


Snoglight

by IT_GIRL_RH



Category: Radiohead (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, First Time, Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-19
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 10:49:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10569768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IT_GIRL_RH/pseuds/IT_GIRL_RH
Summary: A broken streetlight dredges up Thom's angst-filled memories. Jonny confesses he's leaving the band. Thom realises things much too late. There's all kinds of angst and tea and miscommunication that hopefully will one day get tied up neatly in a happy-ending bow. Or will it?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Updated: 19 Mar 2009, 19 Mar 2009, 26 Mar 2009, 10 Sep 2009, 30 Mar 2010, 3 Jun 2010
> 
> It will be some time before I can finish this. If you just can't wait, check the Spoilers for my notes on the ending. :)

A streetlight went out as he drove under it. Without thinking, Thom started to pull over to the roadside but immediately corrected himself. His stomach lurched. His fingers wrapped tighter around the steering wheel. The corners of his mouth turned down. He checked the rear view mirror to make sure the light really was out. It was. He looked back a few times as he drove on. At last, he couldn't see it anymore. He turned the radio on, frowning.

 

Where had that come from? He hadn't thought about it for ages. It was a game he and Jonny used to play when they were both very young and still in school. Jonny started it, one day out of the blue. Thom didn't remember now where they were going. He couldn't even remember how he'd ended up in a car alone with Jonny in the first place; maybe they were going to meet Coz somewhere. They were listening to the radio and not talking. That was normal. Jonny was very shy and did not talk much. Thom liked to listen to the radio when he drove. He'd sing along and tap his fingers on the wheel. Right now, it was JACK YOUR BODY by Steve ‘silk’ Hurley. It was a terrible song and that made it even more fun. Thom was really into it, putting on a little show for his best friend's little brother's amusement.

 

Jonny suddenly yelled, "Snoglight!" and startled the fuck out of Thom. He nearly drove into the other lane.

 

"What the fuck, Jonny! I'm trying to drive!"

 

"I called 'Snoglight'! Now you have to pull over."

 

"I have to pull over because you called what... 'Fog light'?"

 

"No... Just pull over, Thom. I'll show you."

 

Thom pulled over. As he parked the car on the shoulder of the road, Jonny turned to face him, one knee bent up on the seat. The boy looked very bold and pleased with himself. "It's a game. Whenever a streetlight goes out while you're driving, someone gets to call 'Snoglight' and you have to immediately pull over and kiss. It's a rule. I called 'Snoglight'. Now you have to kiss me." Something caught in Thom's throat. "That's why it's called Snoglight." Jonny beamed. Actually beamed - as if he'd just won a spelling bee.

 

Thom was utterly taken aback. This kind of thing wasn’t supposed to happen. People didn’t just demand kisses from him everyday; ever really, especially not his best mates’ hot little brothers. He had no idea how to handle this situation, but he knew he didn’t want to come off looking stupid. He didn’t want to blow it. He tried to play it cool. He wrinkled his brow and raised his eyebrows, looking sideways at Jonny. "You want me to kiss you?"

 

"Well, it's the rules." Jonny said looking directly at Thom. Thom didn't think Jonny had ever looked directly at him before this. It was a touch unsettling.

 

Thom stared back at the dash, confused. He tried another tack, making sure Jonny was really saying what Thom was hearing. "You want me to KISS you?"

 

"Yeah..." Jonny was starting to lose his confidence. He looked down at his knee bent toward Thom on the seat.

 

Thom stared at the steering wheel, trying, desperately trying, to process this unexpected turn. "You want me..." He pointed at himself. "to kiss... you." he pointed towards Jonny but didn't look at him.

 

Jonny opened his mouth to speak but lost his nerve. "Uh..."

 

Thom was still staring straight ahead but the wheels in his head had finally started to turn. He cocked his head to one side. "You WANT me to kiss you."

 

"Never mind, Thom. It's just a game." Jonny said looking down, disappointed as all hell. Then realizing just how disappointed he sounded, he started to blush. He tried to backpedal. "I was just taking the piss... just wanted to see the look on your face."

 

Thom turned slowly to Jonny, eyes aglow with wickedness, a confident little smirk on his lips. "No, Jonny. You called 'Snoglight'. Can't back out now." Thom smiled.

 

He unfastened his seat belt and turned towards Jonny. Jonny was all wide-eyed innocence now. All bravado lost. Thom touched his hand to Jonny's cheek and turned his eyes to Jonny's mouth. Thom had certainly noticed those soft lips before. Hell, he had flat out fantasized about them, but he never thought he would ever get to taste them. He looked up into Jonny's eyes, seeking permission to do so now. Jonny's eyes were wide and pleading. For a moment, Thom thought it might be trepidation. Maybe Jonny did not really want to kiss him after all. Then Jonny swallowed loudly and Thom realized it was just nerves… and anticipation. Thom felt a bit that way himself. He smiled reassuringly and gently stroked Jonny's cheek. Jonny swallowed again but not so loudly. He nervously licked his lips as Thom watched, mesmerized.

 

Thom closed his eyes and leaned forward towards those lips. He felt Jonny lean forward, too. Their lips met, tentative and shy. Jonny's lips were softer than Thom had imagined. It was marvelous... and brief. Thom was suddenly too nervous. Jonny had not kissed him back. Thom pulled back and parted his lips. He opened his eyes. Jonny was still there. His eyes closed. Frozen in place as if Thom was still kissing him. In that moment, Thom thought he looked like the princess in some fairy tale, Sleeping Beauty or the like, caught in a spell by some wicked witch, waiting for a prince to come and save him with a magic kiss. Jonny exhaled quickly and took a shaky breath as he opened his eyes. Thom realized he was holding his breath, too. He let it out and smiled at Jonny. Jonny smiled back.

 

"So, now what happens?"

 

"Dunno. That's it."

 

"That's the whole game?" Thom sounded a bit annoyed.

 

"Yeah. Kinda silly game, really." Jonny turned back to face front, looking nonplussed.


	2. Chapter 2

Thom screwed his mouth to one side, suddenly angry. He felt teased and rejected. "Yeah. Dumb fucking game." he spat. He put the car back into gear and got back on the road not looking at Jonny and not even bothering with his safety belt. He frowned.

Jonny flinched at Thom's words and looked absolutely crushed. He turned his face towards the window to hide his quivering lip.

Thom was angry with himself for completely mucking up an excellent opportunity. He should have kissed Jonny and those lips of his until Jonny swooned and moaned Thom’s name, instead he panicked as soon as their lips barely touched. Jonny would never let him try that again. He was angry at Jonny for teasing him with a stupid game that got his hopes up. Jonny was just toying with him and he fell for it, a childish game. He should know better. He was older. Now he just felt foolish. Fucking Jonny Greenwood and his fucking sexy fucking lips.

 

Jonny stole another glance at Thom. Thom was clutching the steering wheel and staring straight ahead with a hardened jaw and pursed lips. He had not even bothered with his safety belt, which worried Jonny. Thom looked dangerous... and gorgeous. Jonny wanted nothing more than to ravage him as he had done so many times in his nighttime fantasies but feared he would never have the nerve to do in reality. Obviously! He couldn't even kiss back when Thom kissed him. He silently scolded himself for being so pathetic. Thom was angry and Jonny did not want to rile him again by doing the wrong thing. Therefore, he did nothing. He tried to be very quiet and hoped he might manage to sink right through the car seat. He was so angry and disappointed with himself for ruining the moment he’d dreamed of for so long. He had screwed up his courage for days, weeks. He had finally talked himself into this lame childish attempt at a come on. Only to freeze up as soon as Thom's lips were on him. Dammit Jonny.

They drove on in silence. Each silently kicking himself for blowing a once in a lifetime opportunity... when a streetlight went out just as they drove under it. Tension immediately filled the automobile. Jonny sat up straighter and looked sideways at Thom, to see if he had noticed. Thom was already nervously looking sideways at Jonny. Thom smirked. Jonny looked down and smiled. Thom burst out laughing, that goofy irresistible giggle. Immediately, all the tension was gone.

"Snoglight!" He sing-songed as he pulled over.

Jonny giggled. "So it's your turn now?"

"Yes. Now you have to kiss me. It's a rule." Thom said smugly.

"Wait." Jonny said mock-seriously. "You..." He pointed at Thom. "Want me..." He tapped his own chest. "To KISS you?"

"Yep!" Thom grinned. "Pucker up, Jon-Jon!"

They turned towards each other, grinning. Since he did not know how to initiate a kiss, Jonny decided it best to mimic what Thom had done to him. He reached over and lightly touched Thom's cheek, looking at Thom's mouth. Those pillowy lips he had dreamt about in the privacy of his bed sheets were right here in front of him, waiting for him to take them. This was his chance to redeem himself… but now he hadn’t the faintest idea what to do. The pressure was too much. He just sat there, a hand barely touching Thom's stubbly cheek, staring wide-eyed at that luscious mouth.

Suddenly, Thom leaned in and saved him with a magic kiss. Jonny instinctively parted his lips. Thom reciprocated. He sucked lightly on Jonny's lower lip. Jonny turned his head one way, Thom the other. Their lips made loud smacking noises as they rubbed together. Jonny's hand slipped back to cradle Thom's head. Thom slipped a hand onto Jonny's hip and pulled him closer. Now, all at once, there were tongues, needy hot tongues, curious and exploring. Thom ran his tongue over Jonny’s lips and all around his mouth. It was bliss. Jonny never could have imagined it would feel this good, kissing Thom. He moaned and turned his head to the other side. Thom took the opportunity to change his position. He kneeled on the seat, his head above Jonny. Thom kissed insistently down into Jonny's mouth, a hand tangled in Jonny's silky hair. Jonny, long neck arched back, kissed obligingly up into Thom's eager mouth, wanting so much to please him. Jonny's hand slipped down Thom's back, pulling their bodies together. They kissed like this for what seemed like eternity when a passing car horn broke the spell.

They pulled apart. Breathing heavily. Smiling. Eyes glazed and fiery. Thom sighed. Jonny licked his lips, slowly, savouring the taste of Thom still on them. Thom dropped his gaze to watch then looked back up to meet Jonny's gaze. Thom grinned and pantomimed mopping his brow. He chuckled, "Now THAT'S a kiss!"

"Yeah!" Jonny chirped, enthusiasm on full display. "Can we do it again?" Another car horn sounded along with the whizzing wind of a car passing too close. It was starting to get really dark.

"Not now." Thom said settling back behind the wheel and fastening his seat belt. "We're late."

They drove the rest of the way in silence. Goofy grins plastered across their faces, feeling terribly satisfied with themselves.


	3. Chapter 3

That was how it had started. They played that silly game the rest of the summer break, an excuse to melt their mouths together, to share bliss. It never went much further than it did that first day. They were just teenagers having a bit of innocent fun. They giggled a lot, especially around the others. There were knowing smiles and secret glances at each other. There were fits of uncontrollable laughter when they showed up late, mussed and flustered, unable to explain why. They would kiss until Jonny’s face was raw from Thom’s stubble. They stayed out past curfew. They snuck through windows. They almost got caught a few times. Colin almost caught them a few times. There was some groping, not as much as they probably wanted. Not as much as Thom wanted certainly. But Jonny was young, so young. Thom didn’t want to push him too fast. He waited for Jonny to take that next step, but Jonny never did. There wasn’t really time to go further. The summer dwindled to a close and so did the tryst. It had just been a lark, nothing serious, a bit of meaningless fun. Jonny seemed to lose interest first. Then he met a girl and that sealed it. It was just a summer fling and now summer was over. Letting it fade away seemed like the best thing to do for everyone. So Thom met a girl, too. And then it really was over. They just carried on as if nothing had ever happened.

They never even spoke about it after that. Except once and not even really then. It was a few years later, after a show, Jonny was a little drunk. He was loose-tongued and giggly as a schoolgirl. Jonny almost never got drunk but it was always funny when he did. Thom volunteered to take care of him, bring him back to his room and hold his hair if he got sick. There was really no choice. Colin was also several sheets to the wind and Ed had already volunteered to take care of that giggly Greenwood. Phil had the good sense to skip the party entirely. He’d gone home and was probably tucked up warm and cozy in his own bed by then. Everyone else had conveniently disappeared.

Thom took Jonny to his room, laid him out on the bed and told Jonny to take off his shoes as he kicked off his own. Jonny just giggled, covering his mouth with the back of one hand. Thom rolled his eyes and leaned down to pull off Jonny’s shoes. The laces were in tight knots and the shoes wouldn’t budge. Thom stood next to the bed and propped Jonny’s foot on his thigh so he could work the laces out of their knots. This is why he liked Velcro. Drunken feet can just kick off Velcro. Jonny was sprawled out on the bed, propped up on his elbows watching Thom intently with heavy-lidded eyes. He watched Thom’s delicate fingers work his laces. Thom’s fingers were still nimble and graceful despite all of the booze they’d drank. Jonny’s eyes moved slowly up Thom’s body to his mouth, that mouth. Jonny’s face bloomed into a soft smile. “I’m not that drunk, Thom. I can take off my own shoes.”

“I’m just trying to help get you into bed, Jonny.” Thom said. His eyebrows knitting as he tried to conquer the enemy knot. “Damn knot.” He thought he’d had it.

“Yes. You’ve always been VERY helpful to me.” Jonny giggled, stopped, covered his mouth then broke into an inexplicable heap of giggles.

Thom looked up and raised his eyebrows, utterly confused. “Well, I do me best…” He shrugged and looked back down at the shoe. His fingers were winning now and the knot was quickly vanquished. He loosened the laces and slid the shoe off. He dropped Jonny’s foot and looked up smiling, ready to be praised for his victory over stubborn footwear.

“Oh, yes. You were… are… the best!” Jonny sat halfway up and waggled a hand at Thom, trying to pat his shoulder but Thom was too far away and Jonny’s aim was way off anyway. “Believe me! No one else compares! Ever! Never! Never…” 

“That’s great, Jon. Thanks.” Thom said, thinking it best not to pay attention to Jonny’s drunken ramblings. He dropped the shoe and propped Jonny’s other foot on his leg and set to work at the laces. This one would be easier.  
“No, really!” Jonny looked down and crinkled his nose, thinking. The thinking seemed to be really quite difficult. He looked at Thom and gave him a smile with just a hint of playfulness. “You were the first, too, ya know. The very best and the very first.” He chuckled then stopped. Jonny’s face became suddenly very serious.

Suddenly Thom felt flushed. This didn’t feel like Jonny’s usual silly drunk ramblings at all. This conversation made him nervous but he didn’t know why. He honestly didn’t have a clue what Jonny was on about but he somehow knew he didn’t want to know either. He untied the laces and pulled off Jonny’s shoe, letting his foot drop and roughly bounce off the bed. “Jonny, you’re drunk. Let’s get you into bed.” Thom reached out a hand to help Jonny up.

“Why did you kiss me?” 

There it was. Thom went dead stop, his hand reaching towards Jonny sprawled out on the bed. He felt instantly sober and wished he didn’t. He was in that horrible place: too drunk to change direction but sober enough to see where they were headed. He knew exactly what Jonny was on about. He didn’t want to go there, especially now when he and Jonny were both drunk and likely to do stupid things. But he also so very much wanted to go there, especially now when he and Jonny were both drunk and likely to do stupid things.


	4. Chapter 4

“Jonny… let’s just get you into bed, eh? You’re more drunk than you think you…”

“Thom. That summer… you know… Answer me.”

Thom let his eyes float up to meet Jonny’s gaze. Jonny’s eyes were pleading and sad. Seeing Jonny like this brought him back to that first day in the car. The day Jonny was talking about. That first kiss, their first kiss. That day Jonny had looked so terribly vulnerable, just like he did now. Thom hadn’t thought about what happened between them that summer in a long time, a very long time. There was a time he had thought about it all of the time. He didn’t want to go back to that time. He didn’t want to think about Jonny like that ever again. They were band mates and friends. They weren’t teenagers anymore. They were adults. He couldn’t think about Jonny’s sexy fucking lips or kissing him or touching him or taking off more than his stubborn footwear… and he certainly couldn’t think about any of the other things he’d forbidden himself from thinking about doing to Jonny, to his friend, Jonny. It was inappropriate… and it hurt. He couldn’t.

Thom looked away and crinkled his brow. He took a sharp breath and stood straight up. He looked back at Jonny trying very hard to look stern and not sad. “I’m not going to talk about this, Jonny. It was ridiculous and a long time ago. Let’s just go to bed so we can get up nice and early to get a good start on our hangovers.”

“No… I… Thom.” Jonny tried to sit up and get to Thom but failed. He fell back onto the bed, defeated. He sighed shakily and closed his eyes. “I just want to say… I never said… I… Thank you, you know, for being my first and all… and not… well. I’m glad it was you. I wanted to say that. I’m glad it was you, Thommy. I had… had a crush on you for so long back then… did you know that, Thom, and I… then… I… You were kind and… gentle… and I don’t know… patient, I guess.” He mumbled something Thom couldn’t make out.

“Jonny, I…”

“I love you for that…”

“Jonny…”

“Really. I do. Love you…” He trailed off.

Thom stopped breathing and stared. Jonny’s chest started to rise and fall in a steady rhythm. He was asleep. Thom kept staring. He wasn’t sure if he wanted Jonny to be asleep or not. Jonny looked angelic when he slept. He also looked… well… sexy as all fucking hell, sprawled out with his shirt unbuttoned, his chest exposed and his lips parted. He was so very tempting. Thom decided it was best Jonny fell asleep. Thom breathed, a sudden gasp. It sounded much too loud to him. He worried it might wake Jonny but Jonny didn’t stir.

Thom went to the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth. And really to escape for a minute. He turned on the light and closed the door. He turned on the tap and splashed the cold water on his face. He grabbed a towel and vigorously rubbed his face dry, trying to sober himself up a little. He looked in the mirror. Bloody hell. He looked like crap. His eyes were bloodshot. His hair was a fucking fright wig. Why would that angel out there ever be interested in him? He looked down at the sink and he made a choking sound that surprised him. Suddenly tears flooded out of his eyes. He sniffled. He sat back on the floor without thinking about how far away the floor was from his bum. He landed with a loud thud and banged his elbow on the tub. He yelped. He’d forgotten how drunk he really was. He’d have a painful bruise or two tomorrow. They would be cruel reminders of this night. He felt even sorrier for himself. He pulled his knees up tight to his chest, wrapped his arms around them and buried his face. He let himself cry it out because he didn’t really know why he was crying. Rather he did and just didn’t want to think about it.


	5. Chapter 5

Thom opened his eyes. White tiles? Well, whitish grimy tiles. Pipes, sideways pipes. His mouth felt like an old wool sock. His face felt wet. He seemed to be lying on the floor, in a bathroom, on a bathroom floor in a puddle of something. Ewww! The night before was still a mess of fuzzy pieces. It would come back soon enough. He pulled up his arm to prop himself up on his elbow. “Oh! Fucker!” His elbow hurt like hell… Oh, right. The fog lifted some more. Hangover. Jonny. Shit… Thom gingerly propped himself up against the tub and rubbed his tender elbow. He must have fallen asleep… and drooled a lot. No, he’d been crying. Right. 

He looked around then down. His fly was undone. He rolled his eyes. Oh… fucking… hell. It came back in a wash of self-repulsion. Lying on the floor in some dirty motel toilet, crying, thinking of Jonny and wanking. “Yeah, fucking way to be a rock star, Thom. Brilliant. Bloody fucking brilliant.” He muttered, disgusted with himself. 

He crawled over and pulled himself up to the sink. He turned on the tap and gulped down a few handfuls of water. He would feel better after some breakfast, he thought. He tried standing. Fuck his arse hurt! He looked in the mirror. Holy hell! He looked even worse than expected. Face puffy and swollen from crying. Hair matted flat on one side from sleeping in a puddle of tears on a cold bathroom floor… and what the fucking bloody hell?! He had imprints of the filthy tile floor on his cheek. “Is it possible to look more fucking pathetic? Doubt it.” He mumbled to himself. He took a few more gulps of water then splashed some water on his face. He turned off the tap then reached for a towel. As he dried his face, he thought he heard a noise in the next room. He froze, panicked.

He’d forgotten Jonny was out there, just on the other side of the thin door. Thom strained to hear what was going on out there. Was Jonny awake? He didn’t hear anything. He stood silent for a few more moments, listening. He didn’t want to go out and face Jonny. Not this morning. Not looking like this. He looked around the small bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub. Suddenly he realized he was in the WC. Thom couldn’t hide in here. Eventually Jonny would want to use it. What if he was out there right now just waiting for Thom to come out? Thom pressed his ear to the door. He didn’t hear anything. He turned the handle and it made a loud click. He almost yelped. He pushed it open just a crack and peeked out at the bed where he’d left Jonny. Jonny wasn’t there. Crap. Jonny always woke early. He was probably out there right now wondering what the fuck Thom had been doing locked in the bathroom all night.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He gathered his nerves. He’d have to face him eventually and besides, Jonny had seen him look worse… probably. He pushed the door open and peeked around it. There was Jonny. Asleep on the other bed. Thom closed his eyes and let out a small sigh of relief. Now he’d be able to grab his coat, slip out to breakfast, and never have to face Jonny. Thom snuck out and rose up on his tiptoes to see if Jonny was asleep. Yep. And under Thom’s coat. “Fucking fantastic.” he muttered.

Thom turned round and escaped back into the bathroom. He fretted in the mirror. He tried to puff up the flat side of his hair. It didn’t help. He turned on the tap, not more than a drip because he didn’t want to wake Jonny. He wetted the rest of his hair and slicked it back. It looked like crap but at least it matched. He thought about just lying down and going to sleep in the other bed. But then he’d still have to face Jonny later. He crept back out into the other room and assessed the situation. His coat just seemed to be draped over Jonny. He decided that if he was very careful, he could slip it off without waking him. 

Thom gathered up his shoes and slipped them on. Then snuck up next to the bed and reached out nervously. Jonny was breathing softly, rhythmically. He looked so peaceful. So beautiful. Thom bit his lower lip. He felt so terribly lonely all of a sudden, so sad. “Fuck it. What difference does it make?” He thought. He roughly grabbed his jacket and rushed out the door. Announcing over his shoulder, “Going to breakfast Jon-Jon! See ya later!” He slammed the door firmly shut and ran down the hall bypassing the lift and heading straight for the stairwell. He opened the door and threw himself through it. He slammed his back against the wall and fought back tears, sliding down to a squat, his face in his hands.

The door opened. He heard a couple of tentative footsteps. Thom gritted his teeth and didn’t look up. He didn’t want to face Jonny.  
A hand touched his shoulder and he heard Ed’s easy laugh. “Oy! Thom! I thought that looked like you!” he said cheerily and helped Thom up. “Are you ok, then?” Ed smiled warmly. “Feeling the drink this morning, yeah?”

Thom looked up, never so glad to see Ed O’Brien in all his life. He was so relieved he hugged the beautiful bastard. “Yeah, a bit. I’ll feel better after some breakfast. Is that where you’re headed, then? Where’s Colin?” Ed hugged him back. Thom felt better. Ed gave the best hugs.

“Yeah. Yeah. Colin’s just gone to get you and Jonny.”

“Oh, crap. Jonny.” Thom thought, the relief melting from his face. He let go of Ed. Ed patted his shoulder.

Just then Colin’s face popped up then down behind Ed’s shoulder. “Jonny’s not coming. Says he’s not hungry. He’s going to sleep some more.” How could Colin always be so bouncy in the morning after a night of drinking? He bounced around Ed and down the stairs, his mouth going a mile a minute. Ed dazedly followed behind him like a puppy, his head nodding the whole time. “How much did he drink last night, Thom? He never sleeps late. Poor thing he must really be feeling it this morning. And it’s such a lovely day. He should have been up before all of us pounding on the door at some ungodly hour looking for pancakes…” Thom tuned the rest of it out. Thanking everything holy that Jonny was sleeping in and praying that Jonny wouldn’t remember anything, anything from last night… at all. Thom followed Colin and Ed down to breakfast.

Jonny turned up a while later, hen-pecked into coming down by his overly concerned brother. Everyone was in a good mood and laughing at some story Ed just told about drunken Colin and a hapless tourist from Copenhagen. Thom had successfully forgotten all about the night before. He shifted in his seat to give Jonny room to sit next to him. Thom let out a little groan. “Damn my arse hurts!” He whined and laughed at himself. Everyone else laughed, too. Jonny sat down next to Thom but didn’t laugh with the others. Thom immediately stopped laughing. He remembered why his arse was bruised. He took a gulp of tea.

“Thanks for taking care of me last night, Thom. Don’t remember much. Hope I wasn’t too awful.” Jonny said looking down at his lap.

“Yeah, well, Jonny, that’s what friends are for…” Thom said quickly as Ed started to tell another funny story about drunken Colin. He silently blessed Ed. They finished breakfast, packed up and headed home. Jonny didn’t seem to remember anything about going back to the room the night before and Thom chose to forget it, too. Thom and Jonny carried on as before and Thom never gave it another thought.


	6. Chapter 6

Lies. Thom thought about every moment of that night, for months and months. Analyzing, hypothesizing, re-analyzing every slurred word Jonny had said. He thought about it all of the time. Everything he should have done. Everything he didn’t do. Everything he should have said. Everything he didn’t say. Everything he would do differently if he could go back in time and change things, fix things. He thought about it all of the time until he finally forced himself to stop thinking about it. He stopped looking for signs that Jonny thought about it, too. Because he never saw any signs that Jonny ever thought of him as anything other than a good friend.

That was the closest they ever came to discussing those weeks they’d spent desperately crashing their teenaged mouths together. But that was still years ago. Why had Thom suddenly been reminded of this nonsense today? What did it mean now? Over the years, certainly hundreds, thousands of streetlights had gone out as he drove past and he never gave them a second thought. Those broken streetlamps had never made his stomach ache. They never made him want to scream and hit the steering wheel. Those streetlamps never made him want to pull to the roadside. They never made him want to wank, and absolutely never made him want to wank thinking about his good friend, Jonny. Bloody fucking hell! He really did want to wank thinking about Jonny. He could feel himself straining against the fabric of his trousers at the thought of it. How long had it been since he’d had a wank thinking about Jonny? Not for years, certainly. That first summer, though, he’d done it often. A lot. All of the time. A good deal of that summer was spent on roadsides with Jonny. Even more of that summer was spent thinking about spending time on roadsides with Jonny. 

There was a little turn out on the side of the road just ahead. Thom’s hand flipped on the turn signal of its own accord. He looked down at it and frowned more than he thought was possible. He sucked in a deep breath and let out a reluctant sigh as he turned the wheel and pulled over. He shifted the gear into park and turned the car off. The song he hadn’t noticed playing suddenly stopped. He looked around. It was quiet and peaceful, relaxing even. No other cars were on the road. There was no one around to see him. He unzipped his fly and slipped his hand inside his trousers. His breath caught at the coldness of his fingers on his hot flesh. He closed his eyes. He thought about Jonny, not Jonny now but Jonny then. He wanked on the roadside like a horny teenager. His head thrown back and his eyes closed, moaning. Thinking about one of his best mates. He climaxed with a shudder, whimpering Jonny’s name over and over. He felt spent and nauseous. It took him several minutes to recover and open his eyes. When he did, he felt even worse, dirty and guilty. He looked down at his hand like he wished it would fall off. “That was a bloody brilliant idea, Yorke.” He said aloud. He sounded throaty and lusty. He frowned. He tidied himself up, zipped, straightened his clothes and got back on the road. He groaned when he realized how close he was to home. He had to drive by this spot everyday. He hoped he wouldn’t think about any of this again. Thom turned off the radio. He drove home in a weighty silence.


	7. Chapter 7

His heart sank as he pulled up to his house. He nearly kept driving. He wanted to flee. He had never wanted to run and hide more than right at that moment. It was Jonny’s car. Jonny Greenwood’s fucking car was parked in front of his house. “Oh, Yeah. This is fucking fantastic. Perfect. Perfect timing as always, Jon-Jon.” He mumbled to himself. Thom put his foot on the brake, stopping in the middle of the road. He closed his eyes and shook his head. Maybe he’d just finally cracked and was seeing things. Yes, he’d cracked. That’s why he was suddenly remembering random events from his past and fondling himself on the roadside like a dirty old pervert. It all made perfect sense now.

He would open his eyes and Jonny’s car would be gone, like a mirage. Then he’d just go into his house, have a cup of tea and take a nap. He’d put this whole ridiculous thing out of his mind again. Everything would be better after that. He opened his eyes then quickly squeezed them shut. He let out a little yelp. It was worse than before. Jonny was standing there in all his glossy-haired glory, looking so… fit. He’d just started to get out of his car and noticed Thom driving up and abruptly stopping in the middle of the road. He stood next to his open car door looking perplexed.

Thom gathered up what was left of his sanity for the day and pried open his eyes, being careful not to look up over the dashboard any more than was absolutely necessary. He forced his foot off the brake and onto the accelerator. He drove up to his house and parked next to Jonny’s car… like he would on any other normal day when he hadn’t gone completely mad. He made up his mind to do his best at seeming normal even though he was absolute shite at hiding his emotions, especially from Jonny. The very Jonny who was already at his car door pulling it open even before Thom had a chance to put the car into park, drumming his fingers on the doorframe and chewing on his thumbnail. Without even looking at him, Thom would have known that Jonny wanted to ask him something and was nervous about it. Jonny was shite at hiding things from Thom, too.

“Hey.” Thom squeaked and forced out what he hoped was a casual smile.

“Thom, are you okay? You stopped in the middle of the road…”

“Oh I’d just remembered something I’d forgotten about is all.”

“Something important?”

He looked up into Jonny’s hazel eyes, full of concern and Thom felt strangely comforted. Maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all. Jonny was his friend, his best friend if he was being honest with himself. It didn’t really matter that they had kissed a couple of times years ago before they were old enough to know any better. Did it? Jonny had forgotten all about it long ago, Thom was sure. It would all be okay now. Thom just needed to forget about all of it, too, again, like he’d done before. Especially the part about wanking on the roadside a few minutes ago, moaning Jonny’s name, pretending it was Jonny’s hands on him... Jonny’s mouth on him. That it was the thought of what Jonny’s cock might taste like in his mouth that finally sent him over the edge. Yeah. He’d need to forget that part first. He would just stuff it all back down deep inside where it belonged, into that back corner of the mind filled with all of the things sane people refuse to think about: ghosts in the attic, childhood traumas, famine stricken children in “developing nations”, planet killing meteors streaking towards earth this very minute and your secret burning desire to fuck your best mate senseless. Best to just lock those thoughts up and throw away the key. He laughed at himself. “No. Nothing important. Nothing that can’t wait.”

“I could come back if you want but I need to talk to you about something. I was hoping this would be a good time. I tried calling earlier but you weren’t home and I decided to just pop by. Do you have time to talk now? We can just get it over with now. Or I can come back, like I said. I don’t want to be a bother. If you don’t have time now, I can come back. It’s late. I shouldn’t have just shown up on your doorstep. I can go…” Jonny looked more than nervous as he prattled on; he looked anxious.

Thom immediately forgot about all of his own worries. Jonny wouldn’t show up at Thom’s house unannounced and uninvited in the middle of the night to talk if it wasn’t important. Jonny wouldn’t talk about something at all if it wasn’t important. Jonny was simply too British for that.

Thom climbed out of the car and patted Jonny’s hand still perched on the car door. “Come on in, Jon.” He interrupted. “I’ll put on the kettle.”

Jonny sighed in relief and closed Thom’s car door gently behind him. “Thanks, Thom.”


	8. Chapter 8

The kettle was on and the mugs were waiting, while the two men stood in awkward silence, leaning against the counter in Thom’s small kitchen. Jonny fiddled with a string at the hem of his t-shirt. Thom nibbled a succession of ragged fingernails and watched.

Jonny stole a glance at Thom from under his protective curtain of dark hair and flinched when he saw Thom staring back expectantly at him. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He held the breath for a moment and both musicians unconsciously counted the beats in their heads before he finally let it out in a long slow controlled exhalation through rounded lips.

Thom watched, terrified. This was horrific. Jonny had something awful to tell him. The kind of news you draw the short straw to tell. It had to be something shattering. Like that Jonny was dying. Or Colin was dying. Or Thom was dying. Dammit Jonny just spit it out! He thought then immediately changed his mind. No! Don’t! Don’t tell me anything! I don’t want to know. La la la la la la. He wished he had just kept driving straight past his house after all. Maybe all of that nonsense about Jonny and streetlights was his mind’s less than subtle way of protecting him from whatever evil truth Jonny was about to lay on him. Maybe his mind had just been trying to find a way to keep him from ever wanting to even look at Jonny again. That way he would have kept on driving and wouldn’t be here in his kitchen watching Jonny squirm and fidget and try to work up the courage to say whatever horrible life altering words he was about to say… and in Thom’s own kitchen for fuck’s sake. The least he could do is take him out for a pint. If Ed had drawn the short straw, he would have had the well mannered decency to take him out for a pint. Maybe he should have kept driving. A trip to the seashore was always refreshing…

“Thom, I’m leaving the band.” Yep. I should have kept driving.

The kettle whistled. Thom gaped, a half gnawed finger still stuck in his mouth.

Jonny turned off the kettle and poured the water into the teapot. He mechanically placed the lid and then the cozy on the pot. He put the kettle away, adjusted the angle of the mugs' handles and tidied everything else within his reach, twice. Then laid both his hands firmly on the counter and closed his eyes breathing deeply. His bottom lip quivered.

“What?” Thom croaked once he regained his higher brain functions.

“I just can’t do it anymore, Thom. I’m sorry. I tried. I really tried. I know you’re disappointed. But’ I’ve made up my mind. I…”

“What?”

“Thom… I know…” Jonny started. He turned to Thom as he spoke. His eyes were big and sad and pleading. Just like before. Thom was not falling under their spell this time.

“No! No! No! You are going to have to say all of this shit again some other fucking time! Because I have had one glorious fucker of a day and I do not want to hear this fucking shit right now, Jonathan.” He said glaring at Jonny. “Fuck you.”

“Thom.”

“Fuck you!”

“Thom.”

“Why do you have to do this today, for fuck’s sake? Why now? Fuck!” Thom spat, collapsing into a chair and burying his face in his hands. “Please! Tell me if you’re fucking joking!” Then quieter, almost to himself, he said. “Please, Jonny, tell me you’re joking.”

In the silence, Thom felt Jonny’s eyes on him, searching then finally, mercifully, turning away. Thom surreptitiously wiped away the tears that had silently crawled their way down his cheeks without his consent and tried to will away the others that were threatening to follow.

“I’m not joking.” Jonny said slowly, quietly, at last. “I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. I’m so sorry, Thom.” Jonny said softly. He poured the tea into the waiting mugs and went about making Thom’s just the way he liked it. He crossed to the table and set one mug in front of Thom and one mug on the other side of the table. He glanced quickly at Thom and scooted back to the cupboard looking for biscuits. Thom looked like he could really use a biscuit.

Thom looked sullenly at the mug of tea sitting in front of him and sighed loudly. He ran his hands roughly over his eyes, trying to hide the fact that he had cried even though he knew that Jonny already knew. Today sucks. He thought to himself. He felt his eyes welling up again and clenched his fists under the table, trying to hold back the tears, embarrassed. Jonny would think he was crying only because Jonny said he wanted to quit the band and not for the hundred other unspoken reasons banging around in Thom’s skull. He tried to make his fingernails dig into the fleshy heel of his palm, hoping the pain would be an anecdote to the tears but it was fruitless. He’d nibbled his fingernails all away waiting for Jonny to speak those awful words he wished Jonny had never even thought, let alone said aloud. He took a shuddering breath. It was louder than he expected. He was sure Jonny noticed it. Thom bowed his head and gave up. Fuck it. He uncurled his clenched fingers and rubbed his palms over his thighs. He closed his eyes and let the tears fall.

Behind him, Jonny wiped a hand quickly over his own cheek.


	9. Chapter 9

The small kitchen nearly buckles under the heavy silence only broken now and again by Thom's quiet sniffles. At last, Jonny speaks small timid words. "I met someone."

Thom hears Jonny's soft sad voice behind him but he is so wrapped up his own thoughts that the words don't register. "What?"

"I met someone." Jonny repeats with more conviction. "And I... I think I want to give it a try. I mean, I know I do. So..."

"Oh. Yeah. Well. That's... great, right?" Thom interrupts. His words pour out without meaning as he gropes blindly for some solid hope to buoy him up. Then he sees it, a glimmer sputtering to life in his mind and he rushes to catch it. "That doesn't mean you have to quit the band though, yeah? She must like dating a rock star, yeah?"

Jonny opens his mouth to say something. Thom cuts him off and Jonny lets him. Thom's words pick up speed rapidly as he starts to convince himself that he can talk Jonny out of leaving him and the band. He turns around in his chair and looks at Jonny, forgetting all about hiding his tear streaked face.

"Unless it's the touring. It's the touring, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. She wants a rock star but she wants you to be at home with her instead of out doing your job, practicing your fucking art, the thing that made you such a fucking desirable sexy gorgeous bloody rock star in the first place. Fucking predictable. Look, Jonny, you can't let her tell you what to do, you know, man? And we're done with touring for a while anyway. So tell her to fuck right off. You don't need to leave the band for some chick you just met. That's crazy, man. We're finally getting everything we wanted. Don't fuck it all up for some new demanding girlfriend that you've hardly even dated yet, right? If you let her tell you what to do now..."

"Him." Jonny finally interrupts.

Pause. Blink. "Huh?"

The silence has a painful weight. Thom feels pinned underwater waiting for Jonny to answer.

Jonny takes a small breath. "Him. She's not a girl. She's a boy. I don't have a girlfriend. I have a boyfriend and he's not demanding. He's a musician and he understands touring. This is what I want. He's not making me do anything. He wouldn't. This is my decision. I don't want to be in the band anymore. I'm so unhappy. Thom... I... I just can't do it anymore, Thom." Jonny says, looking awkwardly at his toes, his face hidden behind his hair.

Thom can't tell if he is joking or not. Thom really wants him to be joking right now, even though he knows better.

Thom closes his eyes and takes a long inaudible breath. He opens his eyes and joins Jonny in staring at his toes. Maybe there really is some answer to be found there. Thom feels a sharp pain in his chest. It centers him. I am having a stroke. He thinks to himself. That explains this whole crap day. I've been dying slowly all day long and just didn't realise it. He wishes it would just hurry the fuck up and get over already. Put him out of his misery. It's not like things could possibly be any worse.

There's a seed of something Thom hadn't considered before, hadn't wanted to consider. But it's here now and he can't ignore it. Thom realises that things are, in fact, worse. He looks up at Jonny and studies him carefully, like he's seeing this man for the first time in his life. "So... you're gay, then?" _And, even though I've pined for you for years, you've never wanted me?_

"Yeah. I..."

"Get the fuck out." Thom stands up and walks out of the kitchen without giving Jonny another glance.


	10. Chapter 10

Thom stomps up the stairs hitting the walls and banister in a little shit-kicking tantrum as he goes. He collapses on the bed and lets the tears fall as they want, all of them. Not just the tears from this day but all of the tears from all of the years that he had held onto and held back and held in. It was exhausting to let go after so long. But the loss he felt now was consuming and too desperate to ignore.

He hears Jonny puttering about downstairs for some time and at first he half hopes that he will hear Jonny jog up the stairs to save him from his misery. But he quickly lets go of that shred of hope. He knows Jonny is just downstairs putting away his tea and mugs and tidying up because that is what Jonny always does. Not because Jonny cares about the agony Thom is suffering alone just a flight of stairs away.

Soon he hears the front door close and he knows that Jonny is gone. Gone from his life. Probably forever. He has an urge to run after him, to stop Jonny from walking out of his life. Instead, he pulls the pillow over his head and screams into his mattress with all of the energy his grief can give him. All of the years of want and need and desire and stifling denial come pouring out in a torrent of despair and regret and dejection. He kicks and wails and moans until his throat is raw and his bed is damp. He thinks it’s over. That he’s done. Then it swallows him, his grief. He thinks he is dying and wishes he was dying.

Finally, he cries himself out and there is nothing left. He feels empty and ethereal. After all of those years of every molecule of his body holding onto that tension so tightly, to finally let it go is exhausting. He falls into the deep sleep of those who want to never wake again, but eventually will.

**Author's Note:**

> It will be some time before I can finish this. If you just can't wait, check the Spoilers for my notes on the ending. :)


End file.
